I’m about to freak out!!!! Pride comes before the fall, and man did I fall hard this week. After waxing on in my last post about how great it is to work out and eat healthy, I did a 180 over the last few days, stress-eating instead and not exercising. Why? Because I am f*cking stressed from work. Not that I am working hard, but that I am stressed. In fact, my being stressed caused me to get even LESS done than I would have normally. So now I feel fat, lazy, about to get fired and like a total failure. Great coping mechanism, self.
Well, it isn’t as bad as all that. I am slowly recovering from my instinct to go hide under some coats until it goes away and am now seeing it as a manageable problem rather than an insurmountable obstacle. I am now on stage 5 of the weird brinksmanship game I play when I have a deadline looming:
- Motivation: I’m going to get it done!
- Confusion: I realize the goal is harder than I thought
- Panic: how the hell is this going to happen?!
- Apathy: Knowing what needs to be done but doing literally anything other than making that happen.
- Reawakening of Motivation: calming down and looking at how to work through it.
- Motivated, Focused Panic: nose-to-the-grindstone time where I let go of perfectionist impulses and work on just finishing the project.
- Completion: an amazing but fleeting feeling of having done it in the end.
- Regret: assessing the situation and realizing how much better the finished product could have been without the Panic and Apathy stages.
- Pledge to Reform: swear I will learn from my mistakes and do better next time
- Repeat Sequence
I certainly wouldn’t advocate this system, as it only leads to undo amounts of stress and self-loathing, but I think that I am starting to accept that this terribly illogical project management is the way that I work, so maybe it is the last couple of steps that I should be rid of, not Panic and Apathy. Maybe I NEED the freak out/ eat too much/ cancel social engagements stage to spur me on to hyper productivity. Perhaps, but it doesn’t help balance the “Four Burners”.
“Four Burners” is a theory that I heard from David Sedaris at a radio taping of his last year at the BBC. As part of a story he introduced the idea of the four burners, which struck a cord with me. Essentially, you imagine life as an oven with four burners: one burner represents family, one friends, another work and the last health. Most people have them all on at the same time, but in order to be successful you need to turn one off, and in order to be really successful you turn two off, and to be REALLY successful three burners need to go off.
There was a time in my life where I turned off the “family” burner and cranked up “work”: not that I chose one over the other, but I was living in another country, flights were expensive and they seemed to get along alright without me. Then things got busy at work and I turned down the “health” and “friend” burners: missing gym classes to work late and leaving the office at 8pm on a Friday night in a daze, having been so mentally invested in my work week that I hadn’t given a second thought to the weekend. The funny thing is that I wasn’t brokering a million dollar deal or doing heart surgery, I was just working in a pokey recruitment office in Tokyo, but I saw an opening to improve something and I really needed to prove to myself that I could do it. So burners off, full steam ahead.
When I moved to the UK, I identified as someone who was all about their CAREER. Although being all about your career in a recession can be a luxury, so I took a contract job in the meantime, which became a full-time role, which provided just enough financial support but didn’t require much mental output, and I soon realized there was no point trying to turn up the heat in a position that will only ever require a slow burn. So I focused on the friends and family instead; I was new to the country and working in a small office meant I would need to put in some effort to meet people. I joined clubs, founded groups, went home for Christmas, planned group trips, hosted guests, traveled to meet friends, ending up with a few good hobbies and a relatively rich social life.
After a year and a half I changed jobs with the full intention of making up for lost CAREER time, but what I have found is that it is hard to turn on “work” and shut down the other burners: once you have invested time and effort into building friendships people count on you to keep them up. I am left with the feeling that if I can just find a way to manage it, I can have them all blazing at once. Can’t I be a superstar at work, while training for a marathon, having an active social life, being there for my family, planning for the future and doing it all with an amazing wardrobe? And why can’t I do this without mourning the opportunity cost?
Logically I know this is ridiculous: that it can lead to a meltdown (have I abused this burner metaphor enough?) but there is still that part pushing for perfection and what it sees as the other “relax” part trying to sabotage it. I know in theory that downtime is good, that quiet reflection is needed to help make long term plans, while running around at a breakneck pace doesn’t always achieve the desired results, or as someone else put it more succinctly, “A rocking horse has motion without progress”. I know this, but I can’t seem to act on it without feeling like I am not using my time effectively.
So what is a rocking horse-oven girl to do? Lower her expectations? Give up? Reach a state of transcendental acceptance? Rage against her own limitations? I doubt that I will ever truly accept that I can’t be better than I am or not feel I could have done more, but I think that I can start to make peace with the fact that I will eternally be striving to be a better version of myself, and if crazy-stress is part of that, then so be it. Or as Henry Miller said; “If men cease to believe that they will one day become gods then they will surely become worms.” Onwards and upwards!